“A journal becomes a nice mirror to reflect upon our nature as we move through life, which could then further help one to take good steps forward into becoming a better person.”_Casey Kochmer
I’ve been through a lot which most had to leave me totally broken, and as a result, I would usually find it very easy to plunge into deep social isolation. There are times though, when I go desperate for somebody to talk with; someone whom I can share my deepest sorrows with, but the thought of having to bother others of my personal issues, just shuts me off instantly, this is why I was quite excited when I first had this blog, as it somehow became like a best friend to me, whom I can go to and share just about anything I deem appropriate.
To anyone who’d probably known me would be surprised if they see me having lots of friends by the way , as I must have probably been the coldest person they’ve ever known for many reasons, I wish I could tell you, but I am not about to bore you with it, ( you’re welcome 😊). Yet recently, I’ve been very eager to make changes. In fact, out of my desire to do so, I left my first job in the province where I was bullied for years, and was mostly misjudged to the point that I was almost killed _to start anew.
I moved to the city and worked as a call center agent for few years. It was something I have long wanted to try, so you could imagine how excited I was when I started, but this experience didn’t go easy for me who never had my own computer with internet connection or even a smartphone all my life. This was in addition to the unique culture my new workplace had, which I’ve found really challenging to adjust with. Yet, I have undoubtedly learned a lot. The discipline especially in carrying out my duties and responsibilities at work improved. It was far different from my relaxed life I had in the province.There was no time for needless arguments . But despite of all these, I was still constantly haunted by the horrible experiences I had in the past. I was still extremely unhappy particularly with how my relationships went.
Later, I switched to online teaching to give myself a break from the outside world, and decided to totally give up all my relationships with people except with my immediate family, of course, and it worked for me for few years_ I was at peace with myself, but later on, I found myself often angry with no valid reason and constantly felt extremely lonely in between. I could spend days locked inside my room, with no food and would yell at anyone who would dare get near me.
Then, I started to panic.
I tried reconnecting to some of my old good acquaintances then, even with my former students, but this said move only made me feel more furious as they only reminded me of the past I was struggling to let go. At times, I felt like everyone hated me including my own family. It was horrible!
Until one of my adult online students, who knew what I was going through introduced some movies to me and said sounding very sure, they could be of great help . He added that he wants us to talk about the movies he had suggested during our free talk online classes. At first, I was really skeptical as I am not into movies, but just to spare me from the embarrassment of not being able to relate to him the next time we’ll have a class? I did, and surprisingly, the said movies he told me to watch, helped me understand bits of what I was going through.
My perspective towards life gradually changed. It was a process I was finding very slow but, I was willing to take.
Now, one time while watching one of the movies he suggested, I came across this line that goes, “you know, you’re a soldier and It’s gonna take you a while to adjust to civilian life, writing a blog about everything that happens to you will honestly help you“.
Then, something in my head just suddenly clicked?! Funny, but it was like a magic. I don’t know.
I mean, it’s true, I was already keeping a private blog then, but it was only then when I finally decided to take it seriously, as in a way, I was like a soldier who’ve gone to many wars, seriously bruised and survived, and even suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder.
I am not ashamed to admit this now.
But, I kept this blog still private for months, and then later shared some of it in my social media accounts, which I have hesitantly reactivated, and was amazed at how much it had slowly helped me regain my composure. Casey Kochmer on his blog called “Personal Tao” also admitted that_ “A journal becomes a nice mirror to reflect upon our nature as we move through life, which could then further help one to take good steps forward into becoming a better person.”
Well, I still cannot say that everything in my life has all been completely healed, but since I became aware of how much I have been hurting myself and those people I love for not letting go of the past, I have been seeing good changes particularly on how I am looking at things now; at life, in general.
So, I am keeping this blog, as my way of self-reflection and as a documentation of how I am taking the steps forward towards becoming a better person and wish that it will inspire others.